Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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