i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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