remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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