I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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