I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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