Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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