he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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