i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
