I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
