Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
