Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
