Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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