i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
