her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
