whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
