She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
