Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
