yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
