i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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