I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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