I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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