You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
