There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
