yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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