i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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