I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
