my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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