I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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