I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
