I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
