Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
