Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
