No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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