I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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