Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
