You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I deserve this hangover.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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