I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Can I color on your dick again?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Boobs are out for the taking
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Randomize
