The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
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