it hurts more in the daytime
the day after is always just damage control
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
