and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
