come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
