I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You are the jesus of drinking
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
