We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
