Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
