First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
