He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
