dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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