So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
