I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
