I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
