I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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