party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
